Going Through the Bad Stuff to Get to the Good

We’ve been through a lot of stuff in our marriage. We don’t compare it to other peoples’ stuff because everyone’s stuff is hard for them, and generally unfair, and sometimes really, really shitty. What you take away from the bad stuff is how you keep the marriage together and improve upon it. Repairing the stuff or taking a different approach to the stuff can make or break a marriage.

We almost broke the marriage several times.

We’re not proud of it, and the near-breaks weren’t pretty. They were downright ugly. Ugly yelling, ugly crying, ugly screaming, ugly throwing. And not just for a few hours. Days, and days, and more days. Jack was at the point of apartment shopping and Jenny was calculating school zoning vs. housing options. We were ready to split money, furniture, kitchenware, cars, electronics, family, the works.

Something happened at the end of each of those near-breaks that stopped the full-on break. Or maybe we were just too damn exhausted to keep fighting. Whatever the case, we managed to find a calm spot and TALK. Not yelling or screaming, but TALK. We’d talk about the argument itself and what led up to it. We’d drag out all the issues we’d been storing away in our closet of marital stuff and examine them. Each time begging the other to understand, pleading with each other to put the shoe on the other foot. It was during these moments when we realized how important our marriage was (IS!!) to us.

And along with the talking came the listening, which developed into compromising and improving. {And eventually to some pretty awesome make-up sex!}

Are we living the perfect unicorn-n-rainbows marriage? Probably not, because, hey, nothing’s perfect. But, we’re learning. Jack works on his own personal stuff and Jenny works on her stuff. Once we were honest about our feelings during those times of exhausted near-breaking talks, we found we could understand one another and work on change. Change our selves and change the dynamics of the marriage.

Fighting sucks and it can be utterly devastating, there’s no doubt about it. For us, it’s probably the single most unpleasant aspect of marriage. But maybe for our type of marriage, we needed to trudge through the bad stuff and look at the possibility of life apart in order to come back to the good stuff. To find the sparkle. To remember the love. To get on with the joy.

Fixing our marriage and moving on is why we decided to start a blog. We’re fighters – literally and figuratively. We can go from zero to loathing in under a minute, but getting back to that calm zone takes work. Been there, done that! We want to show others that struggles don’t have to be the end. A marriage can’t function in a constant state of upheaval, we acknowledge that. But we want to share our experiences, ideas, work, advice, and…stuff.

Our free advice to you in your relationships = lay all your shit out on the table and start picking through it. Don’t hold in your feelings until you explode. Be fair and kind to each other. Remember why you fell in love. Work as hard as you can to get back to your happy place.

Thanks for reading! We hope you stick with us, ask questions, send emails. We’ll continue to share and we hope you do, too.

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26 Comments

  1. Thanks for the advice, and for sharing. There’s the good side and bad side of marriage…..I’m glad you two find a calm spot to settle your differences; we learn everyday….if couples practiced this, then we’d have less breakups.

  2. We all can have hard times in live as well as in relationship but sometimes those tough time get us closer and stronger as a couple in the end. Like a rainbow after the rain, there’s always a good thing after the pain.

  3. I’m married myself and can totally relate to this article! “After rain there’s a rainbow” and I see it like every fight makes our relationship even stronger! Thank you guys for sharing this! xx

  4. This has been quite refreshing to read. So great that you both can recognize the importance of calmly talking and walking in each other’s shoes for a while. No marriage can be perfect but if both people are determined to make it work, they will.

  5. This is great advice. I just started a S/O (significant other) challenge because I was annoyed at my husband and I found it really helpful! I’d love to hear your thoughts on it too because it’s my first time doing something like that! Marriage is soooo hard………!!!!

  6. What great advice, all relationships go through rough patches. But the grass is never greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

  7. So much truth to this! I feel like the hard times bring you closer and stronger as a couple in the end. Good for you guys for not giving up on each other, and not being the norm as divorce rates are so easy nowadays.

  8. I agree—relationships can be very difficult, especially with kids. A split is off the table for us as both my partner and I are products of divorce and we know how much it psychologically splits the child of a divorce in half and wrecks confidence, self esteem, and a strong foundation from which to build a life. Even for amicable splits. But even with this, finding compromise can be so difficult. Thank you for the inspiration.

  9. That’s great advice, thanks for sharing this 🙂 Sometimes all you need is to remember why you fell in love ❤️ I need to read this today thank you 😊

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